For all of 2014 and 2015, I watched what was going on around me. I soaked in every ounce of information I could. The visual learner in me would see what others were doing, and I would just go do it too. I was overwhelmed by the opportunity to work with such amazing athletes, and believed that success would stem from a commitment to being more like them.
And it did. I got better. To me, what I achieved was success. So I kept doing it.
The better athlete in me was happy because performing well is exciting. Standing on a podium makes all the voices in your head go away. Why question the process if it appears to be working? I was making the decision every day to become more like the athletes surrounding me, than to uncover the absolute best version of myself. And I couldn't see it happening. When I was in it, I was blinded.
When you string together a daily decision like this, time goes by and before you know it, you are looking in the mirror at yourself, unable to recognize the person standing in front of you. I felt like I took the quote, "We are what we repeatedly do," to the extreme. I lost sight of who I was at my core as an athlete, and a person. I cared about the wrong things.
When I joined The Triathlon Squad, one of the first things Paulo said to me was "We aren't going to try to change you." In this moment, it was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I felt like my world completely changed the instance he explained that instead we would bring out the best version of myself. For the first time in a long time, I felt like I was enough. I don't need to try to be anyone other than myself.
This isn't all smooth sailing. It is hard work both mentally and physically. It means that I have to focus on myself and the mindset I choose when I go about what I am doing every day. It means that I take ownership of what I am doing in my athletic career, and I am the pilot. It means that I have to do some digging to find myself again. It means that I have to take a few steps back before I take leaps forward. And I am ok with that.
I am excited to travel to Australia in a week to kick off the 2016 race season in Mooloolaba. I know there will be several challenges ahead, but I have been able to replace fear of the unknown with excitement for self-discovery, excitement to be in the driver's seat, excitement to live my life instead of just watch it go by, excitement to start writing my own story instead of being a chapter in someone else's book.
Carpe Diem.
-Jess
