France, in a different light

Being back in Morzine, France has been a pretty revealing experience for me. This is a place that in prior years had seen me developing unhealthy habits, struggling with training, getting sick and always feeling completely wrecked. Now, I feel like I am seeing this place in an entirely new way. Creating new memories- happy ones. Appreciating all the beauty this little mountain town has to offer. Being healthy, mentally and physically, can do that.

Morzine 2014:

I had just come off of my first two races of the season- a second at the Chengdu World Cup, followed by a phase of training in Connecticut, and second place again at our Continental Champs in Dallas. I felt fitter than ever, and had seen all the hard work pay off in my performances. When I jetted off to Europe for training camp early June, I was excited and hungry for more.

For some reason, I felt like something had to change since I had raced "well," by performance standards. I was on the national team now. I had to raise my game, and be better every single day.

Turns out, all I needed to do was continue following a simple process: execute to the best of my ability on a daily basis. That was, in fact, the process that got me to where I was at the time.

But, I got greedy. Asking too much of myself, too often, without enough nutrition, rest and self care to manage the stress.  I physically and mentally unraveled and ended up leaving France, squeezing another top 5 World Cup performance out of myself at the Jiayuguan World Cup (still don't know how I did this given the state I was in), and then went home to recover for the remainder of the year.

Morzine 2015:

I came to Morzine to do a training block in the lead up to the Tiszy World Cup and Stockholm WTS. For much of my time here in 2015, I was alone. Nothing about my process was healthy, and I felt extremely isolated and low during that time. I went onto Europe and crashed in the semifinals of the Tiszy World Cup and then crashed again in Sweden the day before the race, eventually leading to a DNF on race day from rib, shoulder and neck pain.

Morzine 2018:

I am back in Morzine now, training between world cup races. After Lausanne, I was disappointed, but my response to racing has become much less emotional and much more objective. This doesn't mean that I care less about my performances, it just means that I look at what went well (there is always something we do well in races), and look at what didn't, and come up with a plan of action to get better moving forward. In the past, I would dwell so much after the tough days, that it would ultimately stall the process of just getting on with it and doing my job. So here I am in Morzine, for the first time with a healthy outlook on my career, and my life.

I look forward to continuing to get better, day by day, and keeping this process as simple as possible. I have so much gratitude for the opportunity to be back here in such a beautiful place, and have the ability to create some healthy processes. This includes a lot of hard training, but also some French cheese and pastries, epic afternoon naps and smiles.

Karlovy Vary is up next this weekend!

How stepping back helped me move forward

In 2017, I didn't pack my bike case once. I didn't use my passport. I didn't run through airports to make connections, use google translate to ask for an edible meal, put on race tattoos (and attempt taking them off), or turn off my cellular data to avoid international charges.

I was in Connecticut, living out of a closet, instead of a suitcase, seeing my family more than for just the holiday season, recovering from a really challenging time in my career. For awhile, I didn't miss all of the things about being a professional athlete...and that was ok.

Eventually, I did miss my career though. I missed all of it. Not in a "time has passed, so I should miss the sport I love," sort of way either, but from a very deep place in my heart, I felt a longing to return to racing, to return to the process of seeing how good I can be. And for the first time, it was for me...not to prove to people that I could, or to make my family proud, or to live up to some expectations, but simply and purely for myself. 

Originally when I committed to taking a true break, I was fearful that my career was over. I experienced a real identity crisis, and struggled with understanding my purpose when I wasn't engaged in the process of becoming the best athlete I could be. Over time, and with the support of my family, friends and community, I realized that I am much more than a professional athlete. I am a coach, mentor, daughter, sister, aunt (love you little TJ!), writer, friend. And, regardless of what some have told me in the past, sport is not who I am, but something I do. That belief doesn't mean that I am any less committed- it just means that I don't let what I do consume me in an unhealthy way. Being balanced makes me a better athlete, and as soon as I learned that and accepted that, I began taking steps forward.

It has been a long, challenging, crazy-rewarding journey back to the start line, but I have never been more proud. My first half of the season was a good starting point, and I am learning, tweaking, growing with the support of my team as I move forward from here. 

Up next- two races for MLT in Atlantic City, NJ and Vail, CO, and an altitude block in Boulder. Someone once told me that people go to Boulder to get slow. That same person told me I shouldn't return to racing. 

:) 

"Never give up on something you can't go a day without thinking about." - Winston Churchill